When Money Becomes a Mirror: Coaching Beyond the Numbers
Have you ever noticed how quickly a conversation about money can turn emotional?
A simple discussion about spending or saving can suddenly feel charged, as if the numbers carry something much deeper.
That’s because they do.
Money isn’t just a currency of exchange; it’s a currency of meaning. It represents safety, freedom, control, love, and sometimes fear. When couples argue about money, they’re often not arguing about the budget at all; they’re wrestling with what money symbolises in their lives.
A recent study on couples financial conflict reminded us just how powerful this dynamic is. Researchers have found that financial conflict is not just a series of isolated disagreements; it’s an enduring pattern that reflects how couples perceive, understand, and interact with one another. These patterns, left unchecked, can quietly erode trust and intimacy over time.
As financial coaches, we stand at a unique crossroads, where numbers intersect with human nature. We see that no spreadsheet or financial plan can work if the emotional foundation beneath it is shaky. The deeper work isn’t just about managing money; it’s about transforming the conversation clients are having about money — with themselves and with each other.
What We Can Learn from Financial Conflict
The research highlights five themes that are especially relevant for financial coaches:
- Conflict patterns repeat until awareness interrupts them. It’s not about one argument; it’s about the emotional choreography couples fall into when money is mentioned.
- Money beliefs often collide. One partner’s “security” may feel like the other’s “control.” The stories we carry from childhood silently shape our adult financial behaviours.
- Avoidance is common. Many couples don’t fight about money; they avoid it altogether. That silence doesn’t mean peace; it often hides fear or shame.
- Power dynamics influence financial decisions. When one person controls the finances, the other may feel excluded or unseen. Shared ownership builds trust.
- External stressors — such as inflation or job loss — amplify internal fears. Coaching helps clients distinguish between what’s happening around them and what’s happening within them.
How Ontological Coaching Transforms These Conversations
In Purpose-Driven Financial Coaching, I describe ontology as the study of being, of how our language, mood, and body shape our world.
These three dimensions offer a way to shift financial conversations from conflict to connection:
- Language: The words we use reveal the worlds we live in.
When couples replace blame (“You always overspend”) with observation (“I feel anxious when we spend more than we planned”), the emotional temperature drops and understanding grows. - Mood: Our emotional state determines what feels possible.
Moving from fear to curiosity opens new pathways. The coach’s role is to create a mood of safety and reflection. - Body: The body tells the truth.
Posture, breathing, and tone reveal what words cannot. Encouraging clients to notice how their bodies react during conversations about money helps build awareness and self-regulation.
When we combine these three — language, mood, and body — we begin to change not only the financial outcomes but also the relational patterns that create those outcomes.
A New Conversation About Money
Imagine a couple who moves from saying, “You don’t care about our future,” to “I feel worried when we haven’t reviewed our plan together.”
That one linguistic shift creates a new possibility.
- The goal of financial coaching isn’t to eliminate conflict; it’s to transform how clients relate to it.
- Conflict becomes information.
- Discomfort becomes growth.
- Money becomes a mirror reflecting who we are and how we choose to show up in our relationships.
So, the next time you sit with a client, pause before reaching for the calculator.
- Listen for the story beneath the story.
- Notice the language, the mood, and the body in the room.
- Because the real conversation about prosperity doesn’t start on a balance sheet, it begins with awareness.
And that’s where change — and peace — truly begin.
Reference List
- Ford, M. R., Goetz, J. W., Archuleta, K. L., Hargrove, C. M., & Gale, J. E. (2025). Development of the Couple Financial Conflict Scale: A Pilot Study. Journal of Financial Therapy, 16(1). https://doi.org/10.4148/1944-9771.1398
- Archuleta, K. L., & Burr, E. A. (2015). Systemic Financial Therapy: Couples and Finances Theory. Springer.
- Crafford, H. (2022). Purpose-Driven Financial Coaching. Craffies Coaching Press.
